I’ve done quite a bit of reflection concerning the word pride. If you are like me, you grew up being taught pride comes before the fall and considering the serious offense of thinking more of yourself than you ought. Simultaneously, you clung to the words of a loved one, “I am proud of you”, as a lifeline. What an oxymoron --- pride is good, pride is bad.

“I just want you to be proud of me.” How many of us have uttered these vulnerable words throughout life? And how many times have you heard it from your children, co-workers, friends, and family? Consequently, what do we mean when we say “I am proud of you”?

Often that phrase is attached to certain behavior, and at times particular character traits. It carries feelings of worth, being seen as productive and capable, praise for a job well done, and recognizes achievement. In and of itself, we greatly appreciate when others notice us --- it can provide motivation, joy, and satisfaction to name a few. 

But what if deep down, we feel inadequate, unworthy, inferior, “not enough”? Then even if someone says, “I am proud of you”, we will believe it to be a lie, insincere, and untrue. We believe we have to do more, succeed more, and be recognized more in order for us to meet the criteria for someone to be proud of us. We become addicted to chasing down more approval. Seeking for others to be proud of us leads to continually doing to attain that ever elusive pride --- always shifting and unsatisfying.

I can’t recollect any scripture where our Lord said He was proud of us. Could it be because He knew it would rob us of lasting peace and freedom? It’s fleeting due to circumstances and what we do and don’t do --- how we excel or fail --- rather than on

---Who We Are---

So I’d like to challenge you with a task I’ve taken on. Let’s eliminate, or at the very least reduce, the phrase “I am proud of you” and replace it with phrases that each and every one of us needs to hear. The words that our Creator and Savior so generously lavished upon each of us, and may we have ears to hear them:

I love, accept, and forgive you!

I value you as a masterpiece created with great purpose!

You have meaning and are relevant in the present!

Your past sins and failures do not define you!

You are not a mistake!

When we are able to see ourselves and others as God’s masterpiece --- faults, strengths, failures, giftedness all lumped together in a mosaic of beauty --- the result?…

Oh, the blessed freedom of body, mind, and soul!

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Within each of us is a desire to understand ourselves better and lean into improvement. Hence, the widely used tests to seek insight --- Myers-Briggs, Strengths Finder, Animal Personality, and the Enneagram Journey.

Several years ago, I was introduced to the Enneagram at an unlikely place --- NCAA Swimming and Diving in Minnesota (you can read my first post on the enneagram here). What has stood out to me in this journey of exploring the Enneagram consists of the following to name a few:

• Journey focused (not an overnight fix; ongoing learning)

• Becoming more authentic to who you were created to be (shedding the false self that seeks to protect)

• Keys in on your motivation for doing what you do (not the behavior itself)

• Seeking to balance the Heart Triad (doing, thinking and feeling)

• Recognizing weaknesses of number in order to grow (growth is critical, we are not stagnant or static)

• Knowledge of other numbers core motivation can lead to healthier relationships

• Identifying the different lenses we utilize to perceive the world (affecting how we relate to the world)

We each and every one of us have spent a lifetime constructing armor to wear to protect ourselves. Over time, this false self became our identity--- at least to those around us. And to be fair, it served a survival purpose for a time. Eventually, we discover it isn’t working so well, and we desperately need to strip ourselves of these false constructs.

This process of shedding our false self so that our truest self (the one our Creator created us to be) reminds me of Eustace’s journey in The Chronicles of Narnia – The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis. Eustace awoke, much to his surprise, a dragon for “Sleeping on dragon’s hoard with greedy, dragonish thoughts in his heart, he had become a dragon himself.”

Often it isn’t clear without reflection how we arrived at our present state and the enormous amount of armor we have burdened upon ourselves. The reality is this cumbersome false self is no longer working to assist us in becoming who God created us to be.

The armor, or like Eustace, the scales, must be removed. Some layers are easier than others so it was for Eustace. However, other layers carry so much pain, guilt, shame, and despair that without the intervention of the Master Designer to expose the false self, we are at a loss to find freedom. Allowing our Creator to strip us of these scales that impede our growth leads to a realization of the true masterpiece we were designed to fulfill.

Oh the joy, when we stand unencumbered from the armor that has weighed us down. And Oh to the benefit in our relationships when we are able to recognize our tendencies to return to our armor of old. Is is, after all, a process.

Again, from C.S. Lewis, “It would be nice, and fairly true, to say that “from that time forth Eustace was a different boy”. To be strictly accurate, he began to be a different boy. He had relapses. There were still many days when he could be very tiresome. But most of those I shall not notice. The cure had begun.”

For the record, I do not think the Enneagram is “The Answer”. Nor does it have magical powers to discern all behavior and motivation. However, it is one tool to navigate removing our false self, living more authentically, understanding the motivation behind why we feel, think, and act.

If you’ve ever been to an optometrist you’ve experienced the test allowing you to view a screen through a myriad of lenses. Some are so blurry you are seeing double; some are only slightly altered. But then you view through a lens where it is perfectly clear, and you are able to regain clarity. The Enneagram journey has been that lens for me.

Ultimately, no matter which tool you choose to use, always seek your Heavenly Father which supersedes any personality test! He holds the keys to perfect vision and proper perspective. Your identity as a new creation is found in Him!

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Leadership is a precarious position to hold. You don’t have to lead long to recognize that leadership in theory is much different than in reality. Ideas and creative brainstorming allows us as leaders to dream and inspire. This for me is the easy part --- pass on a visual end point in all its glory --- inspire others to catch this vision. This is the pinnacle of leadership --- where we have our ‘aha’ moments of “this is what I was meant to do”. Naturally, the pivot to designing a framework to make this dream a reality is much more difficult. And often we complete these steps backwards. 

We inspire and motivate everyone towards the end result, but have not done our homework of designing the ‘how’. This can lead to distrust of those we lead. We didn’t come prepared to discuss the What, Why and HOW. Erroneously, believing that the what and why would be sufficient for the present. Successful leaders don’t just inspire; they enter the trenches with those they lead. Unafraid of the messiness that will meet them and the failures that are inevitable, they persevere. As leaders, we will not have all the answers the team desires. However, we will have some structure in place to breed success within those who will be implementing the process. A well-functioning, healthy team understands that there will be failure along the way, however, they will not understand the lack of  a plan.

Don’t misunderstand. A leader does not insert themselves into the process unnecessarily nor micromanage. However, a respected leader will do regular check-ins with staff ---

• Ask question to insure staff are adequately equipped

• Listen to concerns without becoming defensive

• Continue to point to the end goal

• Offer support and grunt work when needed

• Recognize the problems and  praises the positives --- what is going well 

This naturally leads to holding two seemingly opposing views simultaneously. The best leaders are able to do this and give permission to their team to do so. We as a group working together can be both ---

• Equipped and Deficient

• Uncomfortable and Knowledgeable

• Hesitant and Expectant

• Perplexed and Creative

• Discontent and Content

• Discouraged and Hopeful

• Motivated and Energy Zapped

Holding two views in conjunction does not ultimately lead to failure. However, not acknowledging that both can exist simultaneously could lead to the demise of the team’s morale and productivity.

As effective leaders, we need to be comfortable in the tension between the two ‘ands’. Pressure will mount to emphasize either/or mentality, but resist this urge. Help your team navigate the AND effectively, and then you will have modeled a better path forward.

One example of this is what I like to call “The Fly Over”. After giving an assignment to research a particular task, gather everyone together and determine what the team knows and what still needs to be discovered.

This simple act affirms each team member that it is understood that there are missing pieces, missteps that might occur, insufficient data. However, at the same time it relishes in the confirmation of what the group does know. Consequently, a discussion of what are the critical components we need to know in order to complete the NEXT STEP of the project. (See the flowchart in my newsletter. Not subscribed yet, go to shagaejones.com/subscribe to do so)

The key to not throwing in the towel in exasperation is clear communication between all participants. Be willing to have difficult conversations that lead to united steps forward. As leaders, we are continually growing because a successful leader has to train themselves to slow down and be inquisitive --- learning your team’s strengths, weaknesses and idiosyncrasies so the team can be more effective and successful.

Ultimately --- stay curious and flexible!

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Two pertinent pieces of information are necessary before I proceed. I was diagnosed with cutaneous lupus about 6 years ago, and I am a ‘9’ on the Enneagram (an ancient personality type journey). My lupus affects primarily my skin, joints, and causes extreme fatigue. Being a ‘9’ on the Enneagram, I struggle at times with doing because my thoughts and feelings often talk me out of acting. Knowing these two significant aspects of me will help you understand why the following statement brought me such joy and a sense of accomplishment. “I hiked four trails in five days, approximately 18 miles, while visiting family in Arizona recently.” That is HUGE for me!

This stimulated my thinking to refocus on the importance of balancing body, mind, and soul --- or the doing, thinking and feeling parts of who we are. In addition, we are communal beings --- our relating to one another assists in sharpening the area we are weakest in. I repress doing when I allow myself to be overwhelmed with thinking and feeling --- add in the extra ingredient of lupus --- you have a perfect recipe for paralysis of action, second guessing, and a ‘giving in’ to the body’s need to remain stationary. (Sidebar: I have a whole hypothesis of why 9’s are prone to auto-immune diseases, but that will be a conversation for another day.)

My daughter was my cheerleader, motivator, and initiator to keep us moving, exploring, and embracing the exertion on our vacation to Arizona. My sister joined us on a couple hikes also. We made memories, laughed and commiserated about our aches and pains, bug bites, snow, ice, heat and direct sunlight (lupus like vampires do not respond well to sunlight). What a true blessing to experience such varying terrains and beauty through desert, mountains, steep ascents, blessed plateaus, trickling creeks, ice-covered trails, snowy paths, towering red rock, forests, canyons, cacti in abundance, rocky paths, boulder obstacles, and the list could continue. Here’s the thing… most of the time I would have talked myself out of these adventures, and I would have missed out on all of the beauty that awaited me. Because we were created to balance body, mind, and soul, we are not complete if we repress one or only depend on our dominant predisposition. By moving my body, my mind became more clear and focused and optimistic. I was able to see and then feel the peace, joy, and thankfulness that accompany a day of beholding nature’s beauty. Our precious Creator designed us in such a way that we are our best self when all three components are present and working together!

Since my go-to is minimize activity and exercise, this trip was an opportune chance to reset, reboot, and reenergize! Don’t misunderstand – I do participate fairly consistently in some type of low-impact exercise, but I don’t normally push physical limits. In recent years, my mind has conditioned my body to believe it can’t be pushed too far --- it can’t handle it. Surprisingly, it is capable of much more than I thought or felt could be accomplished.

I’m not going to sugar coat my experience. By the end of the second hike my back was screaming “bloody Mary” and by the end of the fourth my legs were in pain to the point it was a challenge to keep moving. But it didn’t stop me. I caught my breath, rested, and pushed through! (And tried not to be too jealous that my daughter had hardly broke a sweat and seemed to have no issues with breathing heavily --- yes, you can envision my eyes rolling). And oh, the places we beheld because I didn’t give up. 

What a beautiful analogy to faith in our Lord. With faith, we choose to believe that which we can’t see, that which has not become sight yet. Sometimes our mind focuses on doubt and convinces us that any more forward movement in faith won’t result in the promise becoming reality. Our emotions confirm with fear, anxiety, fatigue, and we stop right before the bend that leads to the summit. And oh, how we miss out on God’s best for us! We are able to do more than we think --- not because of us but Him who holds us. Don’t miss out on the beauty from ashes phenomenon because you are afraid of what lies ahead or think you don’t have what it takes! Physically, my mantra this last year has been show up and do something --- MOVE! Same is true for us spiritually --- show up, spend time with your Lord – just by seeking Him you are doing something. And when He instructs you to move – take one step – all the others are directed by that one movement forward!

In a month consumed with the word LOVE, let’s take a step away from all the symbols and false representations of love. Let’s refuse to be drawn into the fabricated concept of commercialized love and peer intently into authentic love – a daily, moment by moment choice to do well for another.

Love is not warm butterflies in your stomach fluttering around, promising happily ever after. Surprisingly, love isn’t even primarily an emotion. This fallacy is a driving force behind the reason people “fall in and out of love”. They falsely believe once the emotion has left, there is now nothing left to the relationship --- forgetting that feelings are skittish; they come and go.

We are a society desperate for connection and yet less engaged than ever. NO, likes and comments on social media are not the healthy engagement our spirit craves! We are afraid of commitment because our emotions are so fickle… and life has proven so are others. 

Love is predominantly an action, not a feeling. The sooner we are able to embrace this truth the better for us personally and collectively. My daddy always taught me love is doing well for the other person. The ancient admonishment to “love your enemies” is only achievable if love is an action, not based upon the feelings toward another.

Hate rhetoric and actions seem on the rise in our society. Could it be correlated with less “doing well” for those you disagree with or dislike? We allow our negative feelings to grow like a wildfire --- culminating into hate. May we not forget what Martin Luther King Jr stated about love, “Love is not emotional bash; it is not empty sentimentalism. It is the active outpouring of one’s whole being into the being of another.” Wow! Active outpouring of ones’ whole being into another without discrimination of our emotions or thoughts about that individual --- but simply because they are another human in need of connection and goodwill. Now that is transformational and powerful!

So this February, often associated as the LOVE month, let’s toss to the side all the fluff – stuffed animals, chocolates, hearts, flowers, and extravagant gifts and instead…

Make a conscious decision to remain committed to the people in our lives. Daily, moment by moment choosing to do well for and then sit back and watch your emotions follow your actions!

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Reflecting on where you find yourself can be painful as you humbly acknowledge that you aren’t where you expected to be. Ten years ago when you had envisioned life today it was with great anticipation, hope and planning for a best case scenario future. Enter --- Life --- the unexpected, the brutal, the rude awakening that life would not fall neatly into your prearranged dreams. And you find yourself wondering what possibly caused this disruption to your endeavors. 

What I recognized in 2020 is that expectations are the enemy of thankfulness and joy in so many ways. Expectations entrap us with obligations, robbing us of freedom to indulge and embrace present moments. We become a prisoner to cause – n – effect and then plummet if our actions aren’t rewarded with the desired outcome. Expectations become a yoke of slavery --- drawing us into a bondage that never satisfies. Life never rolls out the red carpet in an expected linear format. Rather life meanders through the mountain trails with surprising delights around each bend if we have eyes to see.

What if we planned, yet held our desired expectations and outcomes loosely --- actually expecting our well-laid plans to be shook up a bit. And what if we ceased allowing our days to be dictated by a list of to-do’s and instead expected divine appointments. In other words, what if we expected nothing in 2021 except…

To be surprised!

What if we embraced what is and sought the beauty through thankfulness and joy in the midst of heartache and life interruptions? Remember that Christ is writing a better story through our darkness than we would have without it. For it is in the darkness, we see what we cannot see in the light! This is why we can simultaneously grieve and rejoice in the darkness. We can rejoice for what our sight now beholds and grieve that it has taken the suffering to behold it.

The catalyst for change, new perspective, and a healthy mindset often is suffering hardship, darkness. Without these initially unwelcomed disruptions our story would not be what it is today. Every story must have a crisis, that pivotal moment when everything changes. If we are followers of the Way, this becomes an integral part of our message, our ministry to extend out story to touch others’ stories.

Although we contemplate a life where all moves steadily along without veering one way or the other as bliss, deep down we know this would be too mundane --- too dull. For the highs and lows add color to our life, growth beyond measure, joy and thanksgiving --- they give life motion!

For it is truly in this meandering through the mountains and valleys that we are greeted with unexpected surprises of joy, contentment, gratefulness, relationship, and a story worth living and sharing! Beauty can be discovered and embraced if we dare to uncover its hiding places!

Philosophers, theologians, neuroscientists share a common belief that the mind is powerful – having the ability to destroy or build up. The old adage “As a man thinks, so he is” still holds true in modern day. We each have the greatest tool at our disposal and yet choose not to utilize its power to unleash possibilities but instead to allow it to form us in fear, doubt, and insecurities.

Science and God’s Word collide as one, speaking truth into this proverb. Neuroscientists are finding the brain is pliable --- able to be shaped and formed into new patterns by what the mind fixates on. Dr. Leaf states in “Switch on Your Brain” the following, “Neuroplasticity by definition means the brain is malleable and adaptable, changing moment by moment of every day… beginning to see the brain as having renewable characteristics…” and “The fact that the brain is plastic and can actually be changed by the mind gives tangible hope to everyone, no matter what the circumstance.”  God’s Word has said this for ages in Scripture, “Don’t conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind,” and “Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.”

God designed the mind to be transforming --- to be a renewing force of balance, peace, wisdom and strength. However, in our fallen world, the mind also has the ability to drown us in self-destroying patterns of thinking. Quite honestly, these are the thoughts that seem the most natural. They produce more toxic mindsets as rapidly as weeds take hold of a garden, overpowering the beauty and productivity of the other plants. Conversely, this toxicity envelops our mind so thoroughly that we have to consciously choose to think something contrary to the negative pathways.

We can choose to change our mindset --- it is our choice. We will need to start pulling weeds in the garden of our mind. One practical way we can do this is by being grateful. I realize this may not be the magic bullet you were longing for, and you might be tempted to stop reading.

But consider…

“What you are not changing, you are choosing.”

--- Dr. Caroline Leaf

Being grateful, choosing thanksgiving, focusing on what is “true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy” truly has the power to transform. God has hardwired our brain to be pliable to the content of our minds.

One caution --- this doesn’t change your circumstance, only your perspective. This isn’t a bunch of mumble jumble positivity --- just believe and it will happen. No, it is a strength under pressure, praise within the heartache, perspective so not to drown in the chaos, a tool to more than just
survive, but to thrive!

Download Seeking Gratefulness Guide for more ways to consider and practice thankfulness

“The idea that “change is hard” is one of the biggest myths about human behavior. The truth is you change effortlessly and all the time. The primary job of the brain is to adjust your behavior based on the environment. Design a better environment. Change will happen naturally.”

— James Clear

Fall --- change happens naturally and beautifully; it doesn’t fight the inevitable but embraces it! Even in the dying to what was, a brilliance of color, hope, and beauty is illuminated. As a single leaf clings to the branch, so we often hold dearly to what was – failing to design a better environment where the old and new come together in perfect harmony to create change naturally, powerfully, beautifully. The leaf gently releases and floats ever so slowly and softly to the ground as if it is reminiscing of what was, wishing it could stay, but understanding that through death there is resurrection!

Change is inevitable  --- nothing will stop its march. It comes whether as an unwelcomed intruder or a much-needed blessing. How often do we participate, initiate, or nudge change? When was the last time you designed an environment where change could flourish – could bloom from the bud of an idea? Do you perceive change as an opportunity to unlock a new habit, lifestyle, or hobby that will fulfill a longing in your soul?

Change is often bittersweet --- it means the end of something familiar, comfortable, and the genesis of the unknown in which the outcome is still to be unveiled. Change will always be; we are required to make a choice. How will we greet change when it knocks at our door? With eager anticipation, grooming our surrounding environment to receive the change so the full potential is attained. Or just allow change to occur with a heart of dissatisfaction, doubt, and criticism? 

What will be your choice when change comes knocking?

America is a world of islands metaphorically speaking. We each stand on our own islands shouting our convictions with boldness and blindness. Our goal is to be heard and that our tenacity and declaration will provide the change we desire. As if by words alone, the world would shift and be kind and embrace all.

Add to the social and inequality unrest a pandemic that seeks to divide and isolate further by keeping us in our own little world. The result has been socially distancing not only from those we dearly love but from those whom amends need to be made or from enemies that need to sit across from each other and listen and learn.

If an enemy was attempting to destroy a nation, they could not create a more strategic plan than what is happening. Create a plot to cause dissension, division, isolation, and inevitably death from within the nation, without one shot being fired from without. We are at war with ourselves, and the enemy gleefully celebrates our destruction.

What if instead of hunkering down on our own island, expecting and demanding that everyone adhere to us and our ideals, we actually begin building bridges? Could it be that simple, and yet that profound?

One brick or board at a time we build a bridge of healing. We do something to span the gulf of the great divide between us. We act on the premise that seeking to understand is powerful and leads to healthy, diverse communities. Finding commonalities unite us because we are much more similar than we’d like to admit. We all have fears, insecurities, and doubts. We all have people we love and care deeply for. We all have talents, joys, celebrations, and heartaches, pain, and failures.

If we remain entrenched in our political, ideological bunkers, we accomplish nothing other than making our presence known and awaiting an opportunity to attack the other side. The posture of hunkering down within our embattlements allows hate, bitterness, and bigotry to seep into our very pores.

However, if we begin to build bridges… they provide a path to unity, to understanding, to serving one another. As Brene Brown states in “Braving the Wilderness”, “People are hard to hate close up. Move in.” If you study wars throughout the ages, you will notice that enemies blow up bridges --- they eliminate the very tool that could bring people together and resources to a specific community. The absence of bridges leads to isolation, loss of hope for rescue, sense of a doomed destiny. But the presence of bridges creates the avenue to carry healing, hope, and community!

Once a bridge is built it can be traversed often --- monthly, daily, or hourly if you so desire. The path to bring a people together is established – the hard work is finished. The reaping of the benefits of this link to one another can now be a reality.

We are each presented with a critical decision. Will we remain on our own individual islands, entrenched in the “rightness” of our thinking and convictions, refusing to sit at the table of those who dare to believe differently? Or will we begin to build bridges to hope, understanding, and community and span the divide often? What will you choose?

Let me leave you with words from one of my favorite classics, “To Kill a Mockingbird” --- “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view – until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

I really thought I would have more figured out by now. As a young adult, I had determined it was fairly simple. Follow Christ with all your heart and all will be well. Yes and no. As life unfolded, the humbling experience of realizing how little I knew became a reality. Life no longer fit neatly into a box; the heaps of uncontrollable variables and unmet expectations were a rude awakening to my fairytale dream of how life should be. (Key in any Disney movie where all ends with Happily Ever After) And try as I might, I was unable to keep order, control, and optimism. Basically, …

Life Came Unraveled

It starts small… with just one isolated situation that doesn’t fit the mold of your expectations. You are able to write it off as just an unfortunate occurrence. But then begins the domino effect where one by one the structures and plans you so neatly constructed for your life begin to topple. You are left agonizing about how something appearing perfectly placed could so easily fall apart. You cave inward to ask the inevitable questions:

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix it?

Will it ever be the same?

These are scary questions to ask because we may not like the answers we discover. Much of the unraveling is created due to uncontrollable variables and unmet expectations of life. Sometimes the answers to the above are “Nothing”, “You can’t”, and “No”.  This realization can throw you into a hopeless, depressed mindset, left grappling with the motivation of how to move forward.

All of this is compounded when we punish ourselves further wondering if God is present in this suffering. Our tendency is to second guess and mull over past decisions and behaviors with the hope that there is an answer to thwart the unraveling from continuing or to prevent in the future. This agonizing perspective has sought to consume and destroy me from within. 

Somewhere along life’s path, I decided that suffering, the unwelcome and unexpected life turns, meant I had screwed up --- something was wrong with me or my decisions. The enemy used these speed bumps to distract me from ‘Whose I am’ and ‘His purpose’ for my life. The evil one desired to take my eyes off the source of life, peace, wisdom, and joy. Conversely, my eyes began to gaze on myself and the overwhelming, looming obstacle in front of me. 

Kyle Idleman addresses this mixed-up thinking in “Don’t Give Up” and so profoundly explains, “Peter and the other disciples struggle to believe that God cares, because they’re doing what we often do --- measuring God’s concern for us by how hard it’s raining.” 

Often, we have falsely believed that if life is full of heartache, disappointment, and hurt then God must be punishing us or doesn’t care about us.  In actuality, often when we are in the center of God’s will, it rains harder because the enemy is attacking with full force.

Here is the paradox --- suffering in our lives is an opportunity to grow closer to our Lord. Although I don’t believe He causes the suffering, I believe He allows it in order for us to draw nearer to Him, to rely on Him because He is confident that He is exactly what we need. When you realize you have no definitive and absolute control over what ‘falls down’ in your life, you find yourself in a perfect position to look up to Him who does.

So back to the initial question held within the title of this post ---

Where is God When it Hurts?

Right beside you; you are not alone!

Simple, profound, and comforting truth --- God is with you! And if we allow Him, He will create a mosaic of miracles, victories, and redemption from the most broken and seemingly hopeless pieces and situations of our lives. Take a deep breath, remove your hands from the steering wheel, and trust Him who can carry you through.

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